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10 Sexy Ideas That Sound Better on Paper

Avatar photo 10 years ago 8 minute read

Have you found yourself Google-ing about the best sex tips that will guarantee the best sex of your life? Well here’s the truth – only one fourth of it, or even less is true, while half of it is guaranteed to make your sex life awful. As to the remaining one fourth? You must be crazy and stupid enough to do it, because either you’ll injure yourself or even your guy’s member.

fire burningBut of course, you want sex to be as exciting as always, and you want to make sure you’ll keep the fire burning in the bedroom. That’s fine. Despite being warned, you probably still Google-d about the best sex tips and ideas, because you’re too tired of the usual missionary and dog style. Perhaps you found these ideas that sound so good and so sexy, until you tried them – and just wish you didn’t.

1 Filming You And Your Guy While Doing The Deed.

So you’ve seen One Night with Paris and countless sex videos by other famous celebrities. Then you realized if they can do it, so can you, right?

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After all, your boobs are bigger than what Paris has, and you have a butt like Scarlett Johansson. You got your digital camera ready and turned on the lampshade on your bedside table while you and your guy have sex.

No one is questioning your confidence here, but apparently, you’re not Paris Hilton. It’s going to bring shame to you and your family, in case you’re a-hole boyfriend decides to share it with his friends – unless you really want a shot in Hollywood, so go ahead and do it. Plus, it screams awkwardness, because you’re trying to make it so good on camera, so you’ll end up praising yourself for doing a great job with your guy.

2 Mutual Masturbation.

giving him a lap danceOn your usual Friday night with your guy, you decided to do something different in bed. You read somewhere that touching each other until both of you reached the big O can be exciting so you’ll give it a try. Well, whoever said that must be out of his mind.

To start with, guys come faster than girls. Even as simple as taking your clothes off and giving him a lap dance will do for him. Second, it’s not exactly your idea of a romantic-sensual night.

Sure, it’s something different, but don’t you think it’s better if he touches you down there while you concentrate on the pleasure you’re receiving? It’s like wanting to get that big O without getting laid and believe it or not, it’s much better if you just touch yourself – alone.

3 Getting Yourself A “facial.”

touching yourselfAdmit it ladies, you’ve secretly watched porn and found yourself touching yourself until both of the actors finish off.

Apparently, the guy in the porn film decided to jerk off on the woman’s face while the woman savored his sex juices.

So, in your next session with your guy, you asked him if he can do the same to you – assuming that you’ve been together for so long and you’re open with idea of talking about sex and how you can improve it.

Apparently, you realized it’s not as sexy as it seems. Besides, you definitely don’t want your face to smell like Mr. Clean. And yes, porn stars are great actors too, which explains why they seem to enjoy it when the guy spills it all over their faces.

4 Doing It In Public.

Doing It In PublicFor reasons still unclear to you, you find yourself with M-I-A libido. Then you remembered reading from a magazine that one of the ways to boost your sex drive is to “be adventurous.”

which may mean doing different things including sex on the beach, inside a movie house, at the mall’s car park or anything crazy you can think of.

On your next trip to the beach, you and your guy decided to take it to the next level. You popped in a libido pill to get you in the mood and as the sun sets and the moon starts to show up, you went to the most deserted area of the island and did the deed.

Sure, the idea is sexy and both of you are so in the mood, until you realize that someone is quietly watching behind the bushes while holding a camera phone in the other hand. And you find yourself rushing, thinking that someone might see you, which someone already has. Creepy.

5 The Blumpie.

You’ve never even heard of the term until some douche asked you if you can give it to him.

Thinking you might give him the wrong signal, you just smiled, walked away and looked for the nearest wi-fi hotspot to Google the term.

taking a dump or defecating in the toiletWell dear ladies, blumpie is a term invented by Gene Simmons of the rock band, Kiss. It means receiving oral sex, or more specifically a blowjob, while taking a dump or defecating in the toilet.

Eww, right? Some guys want it but come on ladies, are you willing to give a guy a head while he’s doing the number two? Or the simpler question is, will you get turned on with that foul smell? Just in case someone asked you to give him a blumpie, you know what to do – run for the hills.

6 69.

You’re so turned on, he’s turned on. The question is who goes down first? Rock, paper, scissors may not work so you decide to go for 69, since it’s a win-win situation – or is it?

win-win situationSure, it may be giving and receiving both at the same time, but apparently not for you. You can’t focus too much, because your mind is messed up on whether he will enjoy the pleasure you’re receiving down there or concentrating on giving him great head.

So, instead of getting turned on and keeping you wet, you just decide to stop and give him a head instead while making him promise he’s going to return the favor later. Plus, are you comfortable with someone else’s nose up in bum? Not exactly your type of libido booster, for sure.

7 MFM.

better on paperMFM means “man, female, man” or in simpler terms, threesome.

If you are trying to be adventurous lately to bring back your sex drive, threesome or getting a double penetration, meaning one guy on your vagina and the other one on, well, you know the hole, both at the same time is not the best option.

It may seem fun and adventurous, but believe it or not, it only sounds better on paper or looks good on porn films.

Just imagine this, the guys you’ll have sex with are not doing it for a living, so experience wise, that might be a problem – unless of course they are twins who love to do MFM all the time. The point is it will be difficult to maintain a synchronized rhythm, which may be too much for your body to handle. A piece of advice, please skip this position. Or you’ll end up getting high-fived by both guys after you are double teamed. Not good.

The Doughnut Trick.

DoughnutAccording to Elle Woods, Cosmopolitan magazine is like the women’s “bible.” It gives you tips, tricks and advice not just about sex, but in being a woman and life as a whole.

Not to make fun of Cosmo but there is this one sex advice tip they recommended which is part of their book, “365 Naughty Nights: A Year of Hot Sex” – the doughnut trick.

To do this, slip a doughnut around his penis then slowly eat it off.  You can nibble on the doughnut little by little while sucking his guy down there and the sugar or glaze from the doughnut, or even chocolate if you went for the chocolate flavored donuts with sprinkles, can add an “interesting” dimension.

However, this can cause yeast infections, because sugar and your vaginal flora don’t go together, and may not be friendly on the belly, either.

9 The Nipple Topper.

yummy toppingsHere’s another sex tip from a popular magazine – use your bra to bind his hands behind his back then cover your nipples with yummy toppings.

Then ask him to lick these toppings off to reveal the package.

For starters, you might have an expensive bra right there and stretching and using it to tie a human’s hands may mean bye, bye hard-earned money too. And second, do you honestly pack your fridge with Nutella and chocolate chips for “sex purposes?”

10 Use A Fork And Press It Lightly On His Body.

Use A ForkHere’s another reason why kitchen paraphernalia and sex don’t mesh well together.

Before you do this to your guy, are you seriously considering getting “gently poked” with a fork or whatever kitchen utensil there is?

No, right? And so is your guy. So if you’re really looking for something to up your game in your bed, please, just stay away from anything you can get from the kitchen.

These so-called sexy ideas are meant to boost your sex drive and hope to get you in the mood for some sexy time.

guaranteedApparently, some things are not meant to be mixed with sex. Instead of these awful ideas that will surely tick you off, why don’t you just try Provestra? It is a female libido enhancement pill that is guaranteed to make you feel sexual and desirable again, minus the side effects.