Is your fear of commitment ruining your chance of having a healthy and long-lasting relationship? Before anything else, commitment phobia really does exist, and there are men and women who suffer from it consciously or unknowingly. Many people are surprised to learn that both sexes suffer from this type of phobia, and not just men, as in the past.
This is because women are taking on more male roles nowadays; therefore, they also have issues with commitment. How do you know your failed relationships are due to fear of commitment, and how do you overcome it? This article will give both men and women some insights on commitment phobia, such as why it happens and how to deal with it properly.
Are You a Commitment Phobe?
Being in a relationship with a person who is a commitment phobe will only end in tears, especially if the other person desires a committed, long-term relationship. As much as you want to give more, you hold back because you can’t help it.
Overcome your fear of commitment and give yourself a chance to a healthy and long-lasting relationship with these 10 quick ways:
1. Name Your Fear
Sit, let your thoughts about your relationship flow and take note of how you fear it would end. So what exactly are you afraid of? Are afraid of ending up in a divorce? Are you of afraid of loving more than your partner will love you? Are you afraid of getting hurt in the end? Are you afraid of losing your freedom? You’ll be more equipped to conquer your fear if you know what you are so afraid of.
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2. Be Brave Enough to Take a Risk
Landing a good relationship is like winning the lotto jackpot. You won’t lose a penny by not buying a ticket, but you will never have the chance of winning either. So take the risk, accept that relationships could fail and know that you will never know if it will fail or not if you won’t give it a try. Life is more rewarding when you are brave enough to take risks.
Do not wait for the time that all your doubts will go away because that will never happen. She might not show it, but she could also be fighting her fears, and she’s brave enough to make a go at it.
As Veronica Roth wrote, “It is not about being fearless; it is about acting in spite of fear.” For more commitment phobia quotes to inspire you, visit this
3. Live in the Moment
Instead of focusing too much on your fear from the past and what could happen in the future, live in the here and now with the person you are with. If she makes you happy and if she makes you feel alive, then let the feeling carry you.
It will not be easy to act based on your emotions, but just remind yourself that if you always let your fears take over, they will take you nowhere in the end, especially after wasting all of the opportunities to be with someone you love. You’ll likely end up alone and miserable, just as you feared you would.
4. Learn From Your Examples
Dig deep and be aware of what made you a commitment phobic. Is it your parents’ constant fights? Is it their cold treatment against each other? Is it your loveless environment in the past? If it is, then do the opposite. Find ways on how to create an environment far from what you had in the past. If you handle things differently from your parents then most likely it will yield a different result.
5. Meditate When the Fear Strikes
Are you ruining your chance of a potentially good relationship by avoiding intimacy? Most times, you run away because it is your way of calming yourself down. Try other ways of calming your fear, such as meditating through deep breathing and diverting your scary thoughts into a happy could be.
6. Avoid Putting Too Much Pressure on Yourself
Whenever you hear the word forever, you start panicking. If this is you, then avoid saying or thinking about forever whenever you think of committing. Forever is a big word that could keep you from committing, instead, think of committing just for now or for today to relieve the pressure. When you say you are committing “now” every day in your relationship, then it could last forever.
Choose to commit now, not for forever.
7. Compare the “What If’s”
Whenever you are on the verge of running away, take the time to sit down first and think. Let yourself indulge on the what-ifs instigated by your fear. What if I end up hurt? What if the relationship ends badly? What if I can’t do this or that anymore? What if she meets someone better than me? See? These are all negative train of thoughts that are not likely to result in something good.
Now, try thinking of the possibilities minus your fear. See what you could be missing if you let your fear take over? Better yet, write these things down so you can easily remind yourself again and again.
8. Avoid Overthinking Things
Did you know that according to a survey overthinking can lead to poor decisions? When it comes to love and relationship, you need to use both your head and your heart. Too often, commitment phobic people think too much because they fear their emotions could be leading them to trap, and too often they end up making bad decisions.
When making decisions next time, use your heart together with your mind. Decide on what makes you happy. If your thoughts are too overwhelming, go back to the previous tips.
9. Be Realistic With Your Expectations
If you are aiming for a fail safe relationship, then you are sure to end up disappointed. People with a fear of commitment have a fear of getting hurt, and that is what they are trying to avoid.
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. The reality is no matter how much two people love each other; there will be times when they will hurt one other. Pain is inevitable in relationships and hurting each other does not mean love is not there anymore.
In addition, there is no guarantee that a relationship will work or will last, but if you get into it with doubts or fear, then it is sure to have a negative outcome.
10. Let Your Partner Know About Your Fear
If you think that she could be the one then let her know about your fear of commitment so that she can understand why you are acting that way. Talk to her about the cause of your fear in a manner that is not making her at fault. Let her know that it is you and that you want her to know because you care about her feelings.
Overcoming commitment phobia will not be easy but not impossible. Your first step should be choosing and committing to overcome it. If you cannot deal with it alone, seek commitment phobia treatment from a professional.
Discovering the Commitment Phobic Side of You
Commitment phobia is a hurtful experience for both the person who suffer from it and the people involved with him. A commitment phobic may desire commitment and love or to build a long-lasting relationship, but ironically it is what he fears the most. As a result, he ends up walking out in his relationships even when he has special feelings for a person.
Are you commitment phobic? You could be if you have these signs of commitment phobia:
- A History of Numerous Short-term Intense Relationships – Out of fear of not being in control or end up getting hurt, once a commitment phobic can sense attachment or a special bond is developing they nip their relationship in the bud. They come with an endless list of excuses for not settling down, such as being too busy at work to not finding the right partner yet.
If you are way over the marrying age, late 30’s and up, and had too many previous short-term relationships, you could be commitment phobic.
- Loves the Hunt – Commitment phobic is good at winning their prospect’s attention. They will flirt, seduce and would exert tireless efforts during the initial pursuit. It can be flattering for the recipient of the attention, but it could also be a red flag.
- Loses Interest Once the Chasing Game is Over – They love the thrill and magic during the initial pursuit, but once they know they have won, they will get bored and will eventually lose interest. They go for the chase, but won’t go for the kill.
- Hot and Cold – A commitment phobic loves to shower attention and make their partner feel special, but it is then followed by days of no communication, no calls or texts and even a “hi” or “hello”. They will suddenly disappear for days with excuses of being too busy at work or being away for work. They are difficult to get in touch with and will not return calls.
- Make Promises They Won’t Keep – Once their partner takes notice of their contradictory behavior and threatens to end the relationship, they make promises to change, but they won’t keep them and has no intention of keeping them ever.
- Strong Desire to be in Control – A commitment phobic loves to be in control and to be one step ahead in the relationship. They tend to treat their partners like puppets and they almost always make the decisions on what activities to do.
- Often Avoids Intimacy – A person with commitment phobia fears and sees intimacy as a trap and they would avoid it. As a result, they often choose partners who do not live from the same place or who are too busy at work, because they can still enjoy their freedom even when being in a relationship.
When it comes to sexual intimacy, they will turn down his partner with reasons such as being tired from work. To avoid a fight, he will turn the blame on his partners for wanting too much sex.
- Obsession in Picking Out Negative Traits – Once a commitment phobic wants out, he will start picking out on his partner’s negative traits to justify his lack of interest. He loves to find fault even in the smallest things as an excuse to end the relationship.
In another scenario, a person with commitment phobia has hidden insecurities, and they deal with their insecurities by finding faults in their partners.
- Would Cancel Dates at the Last Minute – As a way of sabotaging romantic moments, a commitment phobic person will cancel dates, postpone and even forget about a planned date. In extreme situations, there are true to life stories where a commitment phobic would cancel his or her wedding the day before or at the last minute.
- Loves to Check Out Other People – Even when in a date, their eyes constantly wander to check out on other men or women in the area. It is their way to keep the doors open, and anything could happen. Commitment phobic people are always on the search for someone better.
- Loves to Blame Previous Partners for the Failure of Their Relationships – When confronted with the reason for their failed relationships, the blame always goes to the partner for being too demanding, clingy or needy.
- Too Private and Guarded – A person who is commitment phobic will not let their partner into their world and will only share a few bits of themselves. They won’t bring their partner to their home, won’t introduce them to family and closest friends, and won’t add them to his social media accounts. Likewise, they are not likely to ask personal questions to their partner.
If you have these commitment phobia symptoms, your fear of commitment could be the reason behind your selfish behavior and failed relationships. Do not despair because no matter how severe your fear might be; there are ways to overcome it.
Why Do People Have Commitment Issues?
Commitment phobia mainly comes from the way you think about things that tend to be long-lasting, such as getting into a relationship, getting married, work and even getting a pet. Whenever you feel like you are starting to get more emotionally involved with a person or something, you fear these emotions will make you out of control or scared you might end up getting hurt. As a result, you pull away before your fears happen in real life.
Commitment phobia comes in different forms. It could be fear of failure or kakorrhaphiophobic, fear of falling in love or philophobia or fear of marriage or gamophobia. Regardless of the fear of commitment phobia name, they all stem from one thing, and that is fear.
Being in love or a committed relationship involves a complex of emotional demands, such as honesty, trust, respect and loyalty. Some may go through it smoothly; others may find these relationship expectations difficult to accomplish but for a commitment phobic person these expectations are unrealistic and impossible to achieve.
So, why do people have commitment issues? According to theories, the fear of commitment could arise from a person’s childhood experiences inside a volatile or silent and unloving family. In either situation, there is unhappiness and unrelenting tension that everyone wants to escape.
In the case of a child growing in a volatile family, there is always a feeling of fear or insecurity if when will the mother or father get angry next. These children were always afraid that they might do something wrong that can anger their parents. Just imagine the feeling of loving the people you cannot even trust to provide stability. These loveless experiences had created a belief system in the person that to commit and to love will leave them hurt or rejected in the end.
When a child grows up in a silent and unloving family, they have no role model of what a healthy and loving adult relationship should be like, and has no idea what it feels like to be in such a relationship. People with commitment phobia often will end a serious relationship before it happens because they are afraid.
Have you experienced any of these as a child? If you are a commitment phobic, it is important to look deep into the origins of your fear and to trace what is making you do the things you do that are hurting you and other people.
In other cases, commitment phobia arises from fear of losing freedom. Some people are afraid of not being able to do what single people do, such as being carefree, going out with friends, having fun and not worrying about bigger responsibilities. This may sound shallow but there are people who avoid commitment for this reason, and their fear is real.
Cannot keep a relationship because of commitment issues? These quick ways can help you overcome your commitment phobia, but if they’re not enough, be sure to seek help. Talking with a professional may be of great help to you, so you can more on in your life.